Yes, wrap your motor in Duck tape.

How could I not venture to the Avon Duct Tape Festival this past weekend? Avon happens to be one of the two (there may be more) duct tape capitals of the world – the other being Sarah Palin’s home village of Wasilla. And yes, it’s kind of what you expect – an excuse to plonk a few fair rides on an uneven part of a field, get tipsy listening to 80s cover bands and take part in a parade with floats held together by the stuff.

It’s in no way tacky – well I suppose the tape is (ho-hum).

With it being a fair, my good lady was determined for me to display my undying whatever by winning her some kind of fair prize – a partially paralyzed goldfish or some stuffed toy made by Chinese orphans that would be more mobile than any goldfish.

It’s not that I’m a curmudgeon so much that I understand these things are rigged. Whether you’re talking about basketball games that have spring-loaded backboards to ensure the b-ball flies off into an adjacent county, or doctored darts that have you seeking the nearest specialist to check for the early signs of Parkinson’s, the fix is in.

Balloon Darts

We hadn’t made half a circuit of the festival before I heard a redneck trying to tempt me into throwing darts at a wall of balloons. I was doing my best to ignore him, but with Steph having her heart set on something stuffed and ignoring anything I ever have to say, she’d already engaged the bugger in conversation and was shouting for me to stop.

Marvellous – some crap banter ensued between the hillbilly Barnum and myself about him not wanting to shout (even though he was turned way past 11) and me explaining there was no chance him understanding a word I was saying – which he obviously didn’t understand a word of.

He then thrust a dart into my paw and told me that whatever happened Steph would win a prize and that the dart was free. So, with my wife pleading with me via the medium of puppy peepers, and some hick blabbering nonsense, I cracked. I took a couple of steps towards the stall and languidly lobbed the dart in the general direction of the balloon board fully expecting it to explode mid-flight or drop to the floor three inches from the latex as if it’d hit an invisible sheet of Perspex. Or merely bounce off one of the balloons and do a King Harold.

No, I happened to pop two of the blighters.

I resisted the urge to clap myself or perform a Tiger Woods fist pump, and expected Steph to be handed her prize and for us to pop off for a corn dog.

Instead I was handed another couple of darts and told to pay a couple of dollars for the privilege. I was being hoodwinked and having the hoodwinkery explained to me as I handed over a $20. However, it was hoodwinkery that I have no idea what was being said. Before I could throw the next two darts, I was asked if I wanted to pay a further $5 to try and win a ‘medium’ prize.

I was being up sold without having bought anything in the first place. I hadn’t a clue what was happening, but was strangely enjoying the swift-talking swindler’s patter. The guy was a pro.

At this rate I was fully expecting to be taken into a port-a-potty and robbed of cards, cash and kidney.

Steph was starting to look stern and interjected on my behalf that we’d take our prize and run. At which he whisked the two darts out of my hand that I thought I’d paid for and reached for Steph’s prize.

Of course it wasn’t something dangling off the stall itself but something he rustled from underneath the counter out of an old plastic bag:

It basically looked like they’d partially wrapped some sausage meat in duct tape and tossed it in some boiling water. Even the dollar store would’ve considered themselves shysters for charging for it.

At least Steph found out I was right. And at least I don’t have to do that for a living.

Well not yet.

Do you think it’d be safe to venture off to the steel city for the following in a couple of weeks? It’s a free seminar in Sheffield that anybody is welcome to attend:

How can the BSSA help you during the downturn? Come to our free seminar and find out about opportunities available to BSSA members:

o Training in the downturn – how Metskill and the BSSA can help small and medium size businesses with skills training, including help to access funding;

o A chance to hear about the BSSA Buying Group and how it can save you money when purchasing a wide range of products and services;

o Advice and training from the BSSA – what help can the Association provide?

The forum will provide chance to discuss these opportunities and how they could benefit your business.

Non - members welcome

BSSA Forum Agenda

16.00 Registration & refreshments

16.30 Introduction – Nigel Ward, BSSA

16.35 Training in the Recession – Lisa Herbert, Metskill

17.00 BSSA Buying Group – Mick Rice, Independent Buyers

17.25 Advice, Training and Education from the BSSA – Alan Harrison, BSSA

17.50 Questions

18.00 Networking & Buffet

19.00 Close

You’re supposed to register your interest prior to the 16th of June so they know how many butties to make. There’s all the info you need here.

UTC!

Burnley is so northern that if you were to get stabby with it using a kitchen knife it’d bleed that most northern of mythical creatures resembling the body of a whippet, the wings of a pigeon and a mane functioning as a flat cap. The only way to trap one is to taunt it with a smashed bag of pie and peas upwind from one of its watering holes. (You can also capture their young with a kebab.)

In fact, Burnley is so northern that even your average southerner can’t help but become a token one in the nanosecond it takes to pronounce the town’s name properly.

Burnley and the surrounding area has been equally ridiculed, despised and patronised by all and sundry for quite a while – some of it warranted and some of it not. But Burnley and the Dingle enclaves don’t really get too many chances to amend their ways – granted, there’s Shameless that allows the middle classes access to northern council estate life without them having to get smacked around in one (don’t forget that Paul Abbott, original writer of Shameless, is a born and bred Burnley lad).

The last time I thought we might have had a decent chance of showing the rest of the UK that we weren’t a bunch of unpleasant, half-witted racist thugs was when the BBC came to televise the FA Cup clash between Burnley and Blackburn at Turf Moor. But, in true Shameless fashion, some idiot managed to run on the pitch and punch a policewoman. Granted, she couldn’t have come from Burnley as she would’ve punched him back.

But, we had shown the nation that they could now add women beaters to the list.

Now if anybody had told me, you or the lollipop lady that Burnley would be a trip to Wembley away from hitting the Premier League big time with their tiny squad and limited resources you’d brand them a fool. And if anybody suggested they’d do it with a certain flair and panache having missed out during previous cup runs seeing off the likes of Fulham, Chelsea, Arsenal and almost Tottenham to reach the Carling Cup final, and finally stumbling in the fifth round of the FA Cup you’d suggest they were the village idiot – which means they were probably from round Burnley way.

Not only have they done it against all expectations, they’ve played the type of football that has pundits and neutrals all over the country gushing with praise and genuinely wanting Burnley to win at Wembley on Monday.

It’s been a fair old turnaround.

I’ve still yet to get bored watching those two goals against Reading:

But you’ll also find plenty of people suddenly looking at Burnley and the area in a slightly different light – especially should they make it to the Premiership. All of a sudden this town that was an original founding member of the football league ceases to be a media laughing stock (should it ever appear in it) but spoken of with a footballing reverence in both the way its football team plays the game and its history. Burnley is not seen as some fancy franchise with overpaid nonces in a soulless stadium forcing supporters to fritter away their hard-earned, but as a romantic throwback to less cynical days.

Burnley is what is commonly referred to as a ‘proper club’. You see, Burnley, Pendle and the rest of the area has been in a credit crunch for nigh on ten years; and pots to piss in disappeared long before that. But that didn’t stop ‘em painting the town hall clock claret and blue:

Burnley’s Claret & Blue Town Hall Clock

But, before this turns into a Python-esque ramble about living in shoeboxes, I’d just like to wish everybody who’s going all the best to have a smashing day out seeming there’ll be nigh on 36,000 making the trip from all four corners of the globe – alas, I shan’t be one of them, but I know both Matt and John have tickets.

I also know the tight buggers are taking their own butties as they refuse to pay six quid for a Wembley commemorative pie.

And that, my friends, is the north summed up in a pie crust.

Considering quite a few sheet metal shops are experiencing a bit of downtime at the moment, we could all do one of two things:

1. Work our nuts off trying to find extra work in order to keep the wolves from the door.

or,

2. See what tunes we can get out of our workshops’ underutilised machinery.

I have absolutely no idea how legitimate this is, but it’s supposedly a laser cutter playing the Super Mario Bros. theme:

So, set to it people. Start cranking up your notchers and guillotines and tune them in to whatever melodious or malodorous cacophony you can muster.

Then again, posting videos of you whacking a generator with a spanner pretending it’s the start of the Test Match Special Cricket Theme simply won’t wash.

The closest we ever get to the fabrication and design of buses is beating the living panels out of the local Tyrer fleet after they’ve pranged a bus shelter. Although we (and by we I mean Matt) did happen to design a fuel arm loading bracket to prevent the overspill of diesel while fueling locomotives for Virgin Trains.

Simple Fuel Arm Loading Bracket

Anyway, if you particularly like the sound of free in relation to stainless steel bus and rolling stock fabrication and research therein, you can send off for the following CD-ROM by Euro Inox:

Under the acronym INSAPTRANS, a research report about the use of stainless steel in the design and fabrication of buses and rolling stock is also available now on CD-ROM.

Contents:

1. Introduction: stainless steels in transport vehicles
1.1 Rail applications history
1.2 Current rail applications
1.3 Bus and coach applications
1.4 Future potential

2. Materials
2.1 Grades
2.2 Delivery
2.3 Mechanical behaviour and design values
2.3.1 Tensile properties of the project materials
2.3.2 Design values and physical properties of stainless
2.4 Corrosion properties
2.4.1 Atmospheric corrosion
2.4.2 De-icing and dust-control chemicals
2.4.3 Corrosion resistance evaluation
2.4.4 Corrosion test results
2.4.5 Corrosion test summary
2.5 Stainless steel high-temperature mechanical properties: fire resistance
2.6 Selection of materials
2.6.1 Structural applications
2.6.2 Forming applications
2.6.3 Summary

3. Lightweight structures and design
3.1. Stainless hollow-section structures
3.1.1. Manufacture of hollow sections
3.1.2. Structural design aspects for hollow-section joints
3.2. Sandwich panel structures
3.2.1 Design principles of sandwich panels
3.2.2 Panel cross-section
3.2.3 Elastic response
3.2.4 Strength and deflection criteria
3.2.5 Structural optimisation
3.2.6 Design tools
3.2.7 Special issues in all-steel sandwich panel design

4. Manufacturing issues in lightweight structures
4.1 Bending of high strength stainless steel sheets
4.1.1 Verification of minimum sheet bending radius
4.1.2 Determination of sheet springback behaviour
4.1.3 Guidelines for bending ultra high-strength stainless steel
4.2 Tube bending
4.2.1 Types of mechanical tube-bending processes
4.2.2 Springback model
4.2.3 Rectangular tube-bending results
4.2.4 Design guidance for three-roll tube bending
4.3 Welding and joining
4.3.1 Arc-based welding processes
4.3.2 Laser-based welding processes
4.3.3 Resistance welding
4.3.4 Adhesive bonding

5. Properties of lightweight structures
5.1. Welded joint properties
5.1.1 Static strength
5.1.2 Fatigue and corrosion fatigue strength
5.2 Sandwich panel mechanical properties
5.2.1 Four-point bend testing of full-size panels
5.2.2 Three-point bend testing of panel sections
5.2.3 Summary and conclusions
5.3 Lightweight structure crash properties
5.3.1 Axial impact tests
5.3.2 Side impact tests
5.3.3 Tubular frame crash tests
5.3.4 Panel compression and crash testing

6. Life cycle issues
6.1. Effect of vehicle weight on life cycle cost
6.2. Environmental effects of bus-frame materials
6.3. Life cycle cost evaluation of bus-frame materials
6.4. Summary

In addition to the research report, the CD-ROM contains numerous papers with additional background information given at six regional seminars. These presentations are in English and some of them in French, German, Italian, Polish and Spanish.

INSAPTRANS is a joint initiative of stainless steel producers, research institutions and Euro Inox. It was made possible through support from the Research Fund for Coals and Steel of the European Union.

If you do not have the report yet and would like to receive a free copy of the CD-ROM, please return an e-mail to info@euro-inox.org referring to the INSAPTRANS CD-ROM. Please do not forget to indicate your address detail.

Oh and don’t be asking where you can get a copy of the CD or whether we can send you one. Just note the email in bold above and drop those guys a line with the information also in bold.

I thank you.