Blogger’s Bollock

For a Tuesday, today has been slightly odd.

This morning I was woken at around eight by the guy next door playing Back For Good by Take That on his banjo. I didn’t even realise he had a banjo. But, to give him his credit it wasn’t a bad effort. This isn’t the worst thing in the world unless you’ve only had three hours sleep due to having spent most of the night doing a spot of self diagnosis on the internet for some strange carbuncle that had appeared over the weekend on one’s groin.

By five o’clock I obviously only had six months to live.

So off I went to the doctor’s to get it checked as any course of antibiotics needed to be out of my system before I go to Milan in a couple of weeks. One has to prioritise such things.

I’ve no idea what they teach young general pratitioners these days, but I was slightly perturbed by his initial probing that it might be cancer. I mean, at least let me whip my trollies off and run a few tests or something.

By the time he’d got me on my back with my pants round my ankles he’d confirmed that it was indeed an abscess but still decided to do the testicular cancer check thing. As he rolled my spuds about like a novice with a pair of Chinese health balls, he asked me if it was alright to ask me a ‘crazy question’. His grip tightened to such an extent when he asked me if I was an intravenous drug user that only dogs could hear my response.

Once he’d taken a swab I was allowed to hide my modesty and return to the chair where he agreed with my suggestion that it might be due to an ingrowing follicle exacerbated by a pair of badly made whippers.

Call me old fashioned, but isn’t the general idea of diagnosis to start with the most obvious and move to the more serious stuff as you go along? Surely you don’t start with cancer then progress to injecting yourself with heroin in your knackers to finally come up with the actual diagnosis of cheap underpants?

Anyway, I’ll try and get to the bottom of whether my groin condition has been brought about by sitting on my backside whilst blogging when I return for some blood tests.

If so, I can enter a new medical term to the bloggers’ lexicon: Blogger’s Bollock.