Might you be sitting on a million dollar goldmine?

One of the tightest things I have ever heard of in my entire life was during a stint at an industrial supplies place. We had some farmer come in for a few nails for some fencing project, which we bagged for him and charged the extortionate amount of (why do yankee keyboards not have a pound sign, or why do they insist on calling this ‘#’ a pound sign) 112 pence.

Three days later and cue self-same farmer with a crumpled half-empty brown bag. He simply plonked it on the counter and asked to be refunded for the nails he hadn’t used totally devoid of any shameful glint in his eye.

Let’s just say it didn’t happen. Also, what’s the betting he had a brand new tractor?

But perhaps the Pentagon should start employing tight Yorkshire farmers. It simply beggars belief how they managed to be stung for nearly a million dollars for a couple of washers.

The owner of a hardware company has admitted to defrauding the Pentagon, in one case charging almost $1m (£(oh - could’ve copy and pasted this one)500,000) for shipping two washers costing a mere 19 cents.

Prosecutors said among the fraudulent charges made by the sisters were $998,798 to ship two lock washers costing 19-cents, $492,097 to ship an $11 threaded plug, and $499,569 to ship 10 cotter pins - industrial steel pins - worth $1.99 each.

This would be quite funny apart from the fact that one of the sisters who owned the hardware company committed suicide over the affair and the other is facing a twenty year stretch.

Obviously the key is to invoice on Haliburton-headed paper that you’ve acquired from elsewhere (ba-doom-tish).

Oh my giddy (she’s epileptic y’know) aunt.

So you throw £400,000 at a bunch of branding specialists to encapsulate the essence of the London Olympics and they manage Bruce Forsyth on steroids. And is the colour scheme not all a little bit Timmy Mallet?

Of all the logos in all the world that could’ve benefited from a Blue Peter competition this was surely it. You could even have widened its scope across the channels and held a nationwide phone poll (rigged or not). At least you would have a built-in excuse for it being crap. And you might have raised a healthy amount for a possible medalist to boot.

Truly outstanding stuff.

You have a few poxy jobs that pretend to have patron saints but that doesn’t come close to actually having your own God (monotheistic deities apart).

HEPHAISTOS was the great Olympian god of fire, metalworking, construction and the fine arts. He was usually depicted as bearded man with hammer and tongs, the tools of a smith. He was also often shown riding on the back of a donkey, presumably to suggest his crippled legs.

So an ugly, bearded fella with wibbly-wobbly legs - sounds a bit like our very own Jasper.

And bone-idle Barry returns.

I’d love to tell you that I’ve been feverishly beavering away this past week banging away at a steel drum in the back garden.

But, I’d be lying.

However, I’ve found you a a steel drum being manufactured on Youtube. It’s worth it just to watch the middle class white types trying to rhythmically gyrate in time to their duduping. The comments suggest that there’s a bit of controversy regarding the ‘commercialisation’ of steel drum manufacture. Or, its ‘honkyfication’ if you will.

Still, if that winds you up then the following lot just down the road from Butler Sheetmetal HQ in Barnoldswick biffing away in Santa hats should really tip you over the edge:

With the Cricket World Cup in full swing, The Tinbasher is happy to help you capture the mood of cricket in the Caribbean.

No, I’m not suggesting a game of Cluedo but instructions on how to make your own steel drum. Or, to be more precise, a Dudup.

This site explains how to make a steel drum plus some other fascinating steel drum factoids:

[G]et a 35-gallon steel barrel from a junkyard or a cooperage and work on that. You will need to use a heavy ball-peen hammer to properly work the metal of the barrel. Make sure to have a kid around to help. And remember to wear ear plugs!

First, make your stick! (For cans, use a 6 inch piece of 1/2″ dowel with rubber bands or surgical tubing wrapped around the end. For barrels, you will need to glue half of a rubber bouncing ball - we use a Super Pinky - onto the end of an 8″ long 1/2″ dowel. Use epoxy for a strong bond.)

Set your can or barrel on a solid flat surface.

Draw a line with chalk or pen across the top of the can or barrel just slightly off center, dividing the circle into two slightly different sizes. See the diagram.

Use a hammer of an appropriate size to pound up and down the line you have drawn, forcing the surface of the drum down. This will stretch the two areas and make them resonant. You may have to pound more or less on certain areas depending on the material of your drum.

Sometimes the two notes will become apparent as you pound down the line. Use your playing stick with your other hand to test the notes as you hammer. If you are not having any luck, you may need to hammer UP from the inside of the barrel. This can raise the note areas and make them more taut and resonant. Keep trying!

Your Dudup is done when the two areas that make notes are as resonant as possible, and are about a fourth or a fifth apart. Don’t worry if it’s not in tune with your piano; the Dudup is a rhythm instrument that sounds good in any key!

As both a former cricketer and drummer this little project sums up my philosophy regarding both disciplines: just give it a whack and see what happens.

If I get enough encouragement in the comments I promise to have a go making one and video the outcome.