We all know that first week back after Christmas and New Year can be a lonely and desperate time. Just ask Jasper. Many’s the time he can be seen skulking in the steel racks for hours on end when it’s quiet with nary a peep out of him.

I sincerely hope he’s not up to what this geezer in a Southampton fabrication shop has been up to:

A MAN who got his genitalia stuck in a steel pipe had to be cut free by eight firefighters using an industrial grinder. The heavy duty cutting gear had to be used to remove the three-inch long hollow pipe after medics were unable to release it. The painstaking operation, which involved eight firefighters, took around an hour.

The drama began after the man took himself to the accident and emergency department of Southampton General Hospital.

Restricted blood flow had left the man in a state of arousal, and unable to remove the pipe.

Staff there were so concerned that they phoned the emergency services and a crew from Redbridge Fire Station were initially dispatched. But they had to bring in backup from St Mary’s station which has a fire truck equipped with specialist cutting gear. A disc gutter cutter, with a four-and-a-half-inch blade, was used to slice open the stainless steel pipe.

The man, in his 30s, offered no explanation for his predicament but was said to be “quite concerned and anxious”. He had been given an anaesthetic to prepare for the procedure.

St Mary’s crew manager Adrian Johnson said: “It was a very delicate operation. We did not want anything heating up.

The person who did it deserves a commendation for his nerve and steady hand.”

Meanwhile, watch manager Greg Garrett from Redbridge station added: “I’ve only come across this type of thing three or four times in my 17 years as a firefighter. It’s not a daily occurrence.”

The man’s private parts were left bruised and swollen.

I’m generally fairly reluctant to post entire articles seeming it goes against Rupert Murdoch’s grain, but I really didn’t know which bits to cut out (as the fireman said to the bloke with his knob stuck in a steel tube). I mean, this is why you’d love to be a local journalist. Maybe a fireman as well, but not the guy doing the angle grinding or holding the pipe steady.

However, feel free to go and enjoy yourselves in the comments to the article.

How can you not love this collection of aircraft old, new, conceptual and fictional?

But if you thought that was a fairly entertaining use of aeronautical social media usage, you haven’t had the pleasure of of being exposed to Lockheed Martin’s open source proprietary social media tool.

And if we’re being perfectly honest, neither have I. But, it’s explained as:

Lockheed Martin has been developing proprietary social media technology to facilitate interaction between employees to create and share secure content using blogs and wikis. As a result, Lockheed Martin has become a leader of this technology in the aerospace and defense industry.

“Lockheed Martin has placed an emphasis on social media adoption by finding innovative ways to integrate a social dimension into our existing process and tools while reducing total cost of ownership,” says Linda Gooden, Executive Vice President for Lockheed Martin’s Information Systems & Global Services business area. “We are excited to now share our investment back to the open source community to help other organizations meet their knowledge sharing challenges.”

The proprietary social media tool that will be released under an open source license enables employees to consume, share, and discuss information from internal and external sources.

This tool provides a personalized experience for employees and enhances their ability to track and share information in an increasingly virtual work environment. Lockheed Martin will release the source code under an open source license and will allow interested parties to download, modify, and contribute to the open source project.

Now whether it’s supposed to be used as a tool to help develop crowd-sourced fighter aircraft or a missile defense social network, I’ve no idea. But, I can just imagine the fun you could have throwing virtual smart bombs at each other as opposed to lame pesky pokes like you can on Facebook.

If only I knew where you could download it.

When I were a lad student protest had slightly more knackers to it than spouting a few conspiracy theories at a failed Presidential candidate and squealing like a girl when the filth got a bit heavy handed.

I doubt if you’re going to have to quell too many uprisings with a rallying cry of “Don’t Tase Me, Bro”. I’ve no idea what the Chinese is for “Don’t run over me with those tanks, bro,” but I’m fairly sure it didn’t pass by The Unknown Rebel’s lips during that day in 1989.

Trying telling me that this:

isn’t a far cooler protest than this:

Anyway, I got round to thinking about possible metal taser vests in case people wanted to engage in civil conspiratorial debate without the fear of looking faintly ridiculous in the process. Something that would cause the taser barbs to make a slight tinging noise and drop harmlessly to the floor whilst showing you off to have a well defined set of pecs could be a certain winner. Then I remembered you could probably get yourself the top half of a suit of armor instead.

However, I did manage to come across something truly useful in the metal vest category – the vest pocket ashtray

With the onset of the smoking ban, what better than your own personalised stainless steel ashtray to put in your breast jacket pocket. I honestly can’t see it failing.

Unless you happen to be wearing a t-shirt.

Not to be confused with:

Would you like to build a CO2 laser cutter similar to this?

That can cut things like this:

Instructables has an exceptional step-by-step guide as to how to go about it.

As the introduction states:

The general idea of this CO2 laser system is that a beam is directed down to a part for cutting. The part sits on a computer controlled platform which moves the piece around the stationary laser beam. Cutting is acheived (sic) by passing the beam through a focusing lens. A focused beam exits through the bottom of a cutting head nozzle. Gas, such as oxygen, is fed into the side of the chamber below the focusing lens. This gas exits the nozzle along with the beam and the laser beam/oxygen combination serves to vaporize the steel for cutting.

There are pictures a plenty, videos of it in action, a block diagram pdf and seven extensive pages of instructions on how to build one.

Well, the site is called Instructables.

Here’s a simple bending jig I’ve come across by David W. Wilson:

David W. Wilson’s Bending Jig

Bending Jig Parts

Dimensions

A thick steel plate and large bolts will handle heavier bending. However, a plywood base may be used for lighter bends. The steel plate base is easily assembled if the holes are threaded. But bolts and nuts will also work if held top and bottom through drilled holes in the plate. Various sized sockets from a socket wrench set adjust the radius of the bend. A metal strap may be used to hold the socket in place, and to help keep the bolts from twisting. Smooth bolts and sockets are preferable to threaded rods for the threads will damage the work piece. This type of jig can be held in a vise, or bolted to a work table. A large flat surface around it can help keep the bends flat.

The distance for the work piece between the bolts and/or socket should be snug to keep it from slipping. Several holes drilled into the base at various distances facilitate making numerous radius bends.

“S” type bends are easily bent with this jig. A long rod will help give leverage for several S’s. They may be bent by: 1. Inserting the end of the rod and bending the top part of the “S” 2. Work this bend back through the jig reversed, then bend the bottom of the “S”. Cut hook from section of rod, repeat. Scrolls are also easily bent by gradually working the work piece around a bolt or socket. For repeated work, it’s best to match it to a master shape.

Bending jig pdf download.